Agonizing

Listening to gossip is like eating cheap candy; do you really want junk like that in your belly? Proverbs 18:8 MSG

I have been agonising about so many things…

and thank God for blogger and wordpress, it was our therapy for the longest of times. And as I have discovered it was therapy for so many other females. How is it that I didn’t see others pain?

They must have hid it well while I wore my pain on my sleeve. I am not advocating for wearing pain on your sleeve but wearing my pain so blatant also meant I wore my worship just as blatantly but really it was the Spirit of the Lord or else I would never have let go.

I am grateful for my college pastors, they were faithful intercessions. Help me to be so faithful also. Send me people whose lives I can touch, help me forget myself enough so that I can reach them. Make me complete O Lord, help my inadequacies.

Help me kill the self consciousness. Help me be helpful without being hurtful, help me to be more like you.

I don’t know why I am so important to so many people (ego tripping gal but not so much, sometimes I just don’t want to be under bright lights or the microscope, I just want to fly under the radar for a bit, but if it won’t help my assignment then no biggie. Help me go into the places that you would have me go into. I want more than ever before to be relevant for your kingdom, what else is there to live for? I would be dead without you).

I scare people.

Because I am unpredictable and not really manipulat-able.

They have heard touch not my anointed, do my prophet no harm but no one really believes it, everyone wants to reach the limits and see where the boundaries are. I don’t really believe it sometimes, Lord I ask for mercy for the times I have crossed your boundaries. Teach me to bridle my tongue.

I don’t want to be like the world, neither do I want to be self righteous, Holy Ghost help me to know the boundaries.

Do not be conformed to this world

Yesterday I rememebered this word and the path that you carved for me, stay close to me Lord, few people to be trusted and everyone wants to discredit.

I feel surrounded sometimes by wolves, vultures, all kinds of wild animals, you never really know what anyone wants, help me not to judge by sight, be unto me wisdom O Lord in Jesus name, amen.

The things that I have heard about myself (It doesn’t matter anymore, this is the path and maybe even that is a protection)

To think that I am a simple orphan loved by God (Never thought I would be orphaned, that I am the lead now, Holy Spirit lead me and help me make right decisions, break the word of the adversary over my life, let them know Your wrath, let them see that it is Your hand that keeps me and mine, break them, block them, make them harmless towards me and mine. The mouth of the lion is shut even as the mouth of the lion’s in Daniels den were. They are as harmless as dead rats in Jesus name, amen)

I remember that in 2008, when people gossiped about me

I would get pale and then agonise inside of me

Over and over again

Nowadays I don’t think about it more than 5 mins after incident

I don’t have the time.

BUT

Now I am so different from then

My heart is not as soft as it was then

I repent of so many nasty words that have sometimes come out of my mouth in response to my attackers

I repent of sometimes resembling my attackers more than resembling Christ in an attempt to defend myself

I trust the defence of the Lord but sometimes lack the patience to wait for the Lord to defend me.

Lord help me to be that other girl, the one that was attacked so much the glory was provoked to show up

To show Himself.

You know I used to think that if God showed up, people would be more holy, they would fear Him.

I find different

I have seen manipulation, control, merchandising, slander, the ugliness of the world makes me want to recede to the cave or to a monk’s home in the wilderness.

I once worked in a church after college because I thought I was dedicating my life to lifelong service in his majesty’s presence. The church disappointed me by proving to be more like the world. Whatever evil in the world was found in that church, including really coarse talk.

In fact, the kind of secular office I work in now is/was better than that church or maybe, just maybe I am being sheltered by God and I don’t know.

Well in the midst of working for God amongst people who were mostly in the flesh (maybe they were doing the best I could) God found me. It was while working for them that God said, you must never speak against your boss (A rule that has gotten me into trouble many times because it is assumed that I am sucking up instead of simply obeying God).

God taught me a lot and set me apart. I heard the words set apart for about 8 weeks before I sought the meaning. I say that I sought the meaning because the word that I heard was Jehovah Mekodishkem.

It means, I am the One who sanctifies.

You know, I heard this word and bypassed and continued in conversation with my sister, colleague, friend, etc.

Until one day I was frustrated enough to seek the meaning in a Dakes bible and when I found the meaning, I paused and said, what does this mean? Does this mean God is paying me attention? What does God want with me?

I had been praying, God use me. Yet I did not understand the depth of God using you, that it would take you from yourself. You will do stuff that pleases Him and not yourself and you would do it simply because the Lord trusted and was depending in you to be obedient.

Well, will I gossip tomorrow?

I don’t know. I do promise that i will not want to and that as the Spirit of the Lord leads me, I would speak what He wants and cease to speak what He doesn’t want.

Will others speak of me in hurtful manners?

Most likely. That is not my concern. My concern is my response. I must respond right for I am going somewhere to happen. I have not parked in my daddy’s garage. I am on my way to fulfilling God’s will for my life.

This is faith. Doing the will of God daily.

 

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